How to Have Sex That Feels Good, Not Just Looks Good!

* We are using the phrase sex as a broad term that encompasses many pleasurable acts, not just PIV.*

There’s a certain kind of sex that photographs well, the arched backs, the messy hair, the dimly lit, perfectly timed orgasm. It’s the sex we see in movies, in porn, and, let’s be real, in some of our own mirrors when we check if we look hot mid-act.

Then there’s the sex that actually feels good. The kind that isn’t about the right angles or the performative moans but about the moments where you give yourself permission to lose yourself to the connection and sensations. And yet, so many of us are stuck chasing the first and missing out on the second.

The Pleasure Mismatch

Part of the problem? We’ve been trained to prioritize how sex looks over how it feels. Esther Perel talks about the tension between the erotic and the expected. how we often trade spontaneity for predictability and excitement for performance. Emily Nagoski breaks it down further: many of us have been taught to think of desire as something that’s always “on,” when in reality, most of us experience it responsively; meaning we need certain context, the right kind of stimulation and at times lack of stimulations (to-do lists etc.) to actually want sex.

But instead of listening to our bodies, we try to force arousal to match what we think sex should be. We contort ourselves into headboard-gripping positions that might look hot but feel about as good as a yoga pose gone wrong. We fake moans to match our partner’s rhythm instead of sinking into the pleasure that’s real for us.

And here’s the kicker: the people who have the best sex? They’re not performing it. They’re experiencing it.

So, how do we actually get there?

1. Get Out of Your Head (Literally)

Nothing kills pleasure faster than thinking about whether you look like you’re having it. “Spectatoring” is a term coined by sex researcher William Masters, describing the act of watching yourself during sex instead of being in the moment. The fix? Sensory immersion. Try focusing on temperature, texture, and pressure-what actually feels good instead of what you think should feel good.

Breathwork, movement, and noise can also help shift your brain from “How do I look?” to “Oh, holy shit, that feels good.” Panting, like you have seen in some porns, can actually trigger your fight, flight, freeze response-and we definitely have difficulty accessing pleasure in those states.

2. Map Your Actual Turn-Ons (Not Just the Ones You Think You Should Have)

That means paying attention to what arouses you outside the standard playbook. Do you crave slow-building tension or spontaneous, wild energy? Do you love a certain kind of touch that’s never shown in porn? Taking time to explore this (solo and with a partner) makes for better sex, full stop.

3. Communicate Without Killing the Mood

Let’s be real, nothing makes people more nervous than “talking about sex while having sex.” But communication isn’t just about saying what you want; it’s about how you say it. Instead of stopping mid-thrust to have a full debrief, use non-verbal cues (moving a partner’s hand, adjusting rhythm). And when words are necessary, keep them in the moment: “That feels amazing, do that again.”

The Sexiest Thing Is Feeling Good

At the end of the day, the best sex doesn’t have to be Instagrammable. It doesn’t have to look like a scene from Euphoria or match the pace of whatever’s trending on your TikTok feed.

The hottest sex is the sex where you’re present. Where you stop caring about the view and start sinking into sensation. Where you’re not just performing pleasure, but feeling it.

And if it happens to look good in the process? Well, that’s just a bonus.